


Quiet and falling

by Anonymous



Series: anonymous ramblings about minecraft [3]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Child Neglect, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kind of a character analysis?, Pulling out the big guns, Suicidal Thoughts, Toby Smith | Tubbo Needs a Hug, because everybody talks abt tommy but like 4 people have talked abt tubbo, can we please talk abt the effect all of this shit has had on tubbo, give him a good parental figure for fucks sake, i wish he could just be happy :(, no beta we die like lmanberg, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:41:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29262963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Tubbo goes through a bit of a depressive episode as a result of none of his traumatic experiences being properly addressed.
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, other than that none, potentially - Relationship
Series: anonymous ramblings about minecraft [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2009905
Comments: 4
Kudos: 124
Collections: Anonymous





	Quiet and falling

**Author's Note:**

> whats up boys!!! turns out im not fuckin dead!!!!
> 
> tw for suicidal thoughts/ideation, mentioned child abuse and neglect, and mentioned self starvation. pretty heavy one here, but i was tired and decided i wanted to vent and project onto tubbo again, so i did. :)
> 
> please be careful while reading this, it kinda touches on some pretty heavy shit and i dont wanna end up upsetting anyone
> 
> title from the celeste soundtrack LMAO

Tubbo was tired.

He had been tired for a while, actually. The exhaustion never truly went away. If he wasn't physically tired he was mentally tired, and if he wasn't mentally tired he was physically tired. Sometimes he was lucky enough to have a combo of both. Those were the days he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed.

Today was one of those days. The kind of days where he wonders if anything was truly worth it, the kind of days where he wishes Punz had been just a minute too late.

He knew this was bad, truly, he did. But it was so hard to deal with, and nobody ever truly seemed to care, so it never seemed worth it. He just wished somebody would give a shit about him, that's all he wanted.

Tubbo was also selfish. 

He was jealous of his best friend. That was a strange sentence to say, considering Tommy had gone through so much, and by Tubbo's own hand! Tommy suffered for months and Tubbo was _jealous_.

But also Tommy now had people, adults, who cared. Tommy had someone to look up to, someone who would protect him and nurse him back to health when hurt and would tuck him into bed. Tommy once again had something Tubbo never had, and he was jealous.

Tubbo wished he could have someone like that. Back when they were kids, Tommy was always the one with a caring and loving home to go back to. Tommy had a father and an older brother and someone almost like an uncle, people who would hug him and comfort him and tell him it would all be ok. All Tubbo had was an old falling apart box and the bees around him. 

Even now, even after Tommy had been betrayed by every family member he had, even after being abused and hurt and broken, Tommy still had someone to go to. Tommy had Sam, someone who hugs him and comforts him and tells him it will all be ok. All Tubbo has now is an empty husk of a house and the snow around him.

One thing Tubbo wasn't is stupid.

Tubbo was a lot smarter than everyone seemed to think. He knew people were using him, he knew they always had been. He knew Tommy never truly cared about him quite as much, he knew Jack and Niki were planning to kill his best friend, he knew people looked at him with barely disguised disgust and hoped he couldn't tell. He was well aware, but he didn't care. He couldn't care. He may not be able to read very well, and he may put on an innocent persona, but he was anything but stupid.

Or maybe he was stupid. After all, he still missed Phil. He still missed Schlatt. He even missed Wilbur. He knew none of them cared for him, but he still missed them. He knew Phil would much rather hang out with Mr. Anarchist Given Form than care for his own kids. He knew Schlatt had been using him from the start. He knew Wilbur only put up with him because of Tommy. But he missed the warmth they brought him. The idea that maybe, just maybe, they would tuck him into bed and kiss him on the head and love him the way a parent should. 

Instead all Tubbo had was memories of being left behind, of being punched and abused, of being yelled at and scolded for things he didnt do. Instead all Tubbo had was cold floors and an empty stomach and a hurting heart. Instead he lays on his bed, at 4:30 in the afternoon, and can't force himself to get up, because he doesn't see the point. Instead he stares at the sword leaning against the wall on the other side of his room and wonders if he should pick it up. Do what everybody wished had been done years ago. Rid the world of the burden of _him_.

And in the end he gets up. In the end he leaves the sword and makes some food and sits and waits. Waits for Tommy to barge through his front door like always and tell him about his day and pretend its all ok. In the end he knows that there was no reason for him to push on, to perservere and keep going and hope for the best, but Tubbo was stupid. Not stupid enough to truly think he could help, could make a difference, could be good enough, but stupid enough to fool himself into believing he could try. And if he spent another sleepless night crying into his pillow and pulling out his hair just to feel something, that's for him to know and nobody else to find out.

**Author's Note:**

> might expand on some of these things later, who knows. sometimes finding the correct words is hard (which is why i havent written anything in fucking forever), but ive had these ideas and thoughts floating around in my brain for a while and now ive finally written something fully thats cohesive enough to post so. pog!!


End file.
